Sunday, August 23, 2009
The Legend of Our Journey Carries On
"I race across the Universe to find you
exploding every color on my way
In this blossoming of life I know I’m closer
than I was on any other given day
I sing out every note in expectation
so the stars and moon and sun will hear
and every evening is the dawning of my knowing
your essence then will always feel me crystal clear
It is not the past that ever keeps me driving forward
nor the flesh and handsome body that I knew
but the sweetness of your wonder love inside me
that keeps me strong and moving like I do
In the journey of this longing there’s a feeling
that this purpose ever leads us both as One
so I let go of always needing to define it
as the legend of our journey carries on."
Ganga Fondan, ‘09
For the longest time, I've been wondering if by loving Narayan the way I still do, I could somehow get stuck in the memory of the past and not live in the present here and now. That is why for the last few years I rarely expressed outwardly how much he is still a part of me. Other people encourage me to date men and not let my past keep me from living a complete and full life. I've been sitting with this lately. I've been wondering what to do with my emotions about him. It's been eleven years since he passed away and I can still close my eyes and feel the instant I first fell in love with him. I hear the song that was playing when we celebrated our first union. I still remember our last too. He insisted a day before his third and final hip replacement operation that we make love and how I resisted because I wanted him to save his strength. He looked into my eyes and I knew a monumental moment was happening. Afterwards he whispered into my right ear: "Never forget how much I love you." That whisper still echoes with the same intensity in this very moment. How can I ever forget?
I close my eyes and reach for my favorite book of answers. It has never failed me yet. I close my eyes and ask the question about what to do with these feelings. If it is ok to dive deeply into them as joyfully as I do? Does all this stop me from moving forward? I place the book reverently against my forehead and ask to be shown a way through this. I open my copy of "Ancient Secrets of Success for Today's World" to the following quote:
"Consciousness does not get caught up with circumstances and conditions. Consciousness easily transcends all adverse circumstances, not by changing present conditions, but by creating a new Vision." (from Chapter 8: Why Can't We Hold a Vision and Manifest the Vision)
I sit with this for a while. The digital artpiece on this blog begins to shape itself while I think. Colors and forms change over and over while I play with the controls of the computer program. Hours go by. The piece is done. Staring into the image, the poetry pours out. I only need to feel and listen. Let go. My mind reads the words over and over as I stare into the picture. How do we transcend our circumstances without changing the conditions but by creating a new Vision? Suddenly there is a feeling of standing on the edge of a cliff. I stare at the supernatural chariot that the Goddess and her attendant fly through the air with. They are not looking back but reaching forward with a knowing that their mission drives them forward. The Unknown beckons them to reach for all there is.
Narayan and I in our Oneness realized something so beautiful and timeless. It calls to me in every bird singing, in every face smiling and ocean wave rolling in. I breathe it in every morning and feel it alive when composing. It is beyond the love of man and woman. That was the foundation. I hear Narayan's voice urging me to look deeper into my heart and see complete fulfillment of my quest there. I know that what I seek will find me. I do not need to be in control. I can explore every passionate feeling of love and experience ecstasy. Narayan is not in the past. He is here with me typing these precious words into the computer. He is still whispering into my ear: "Never forget how much I love you".
The Vision unfolds every moment. I only need to feel it and see it. I do not need to know it. It is done. I'm smiling as I write these words. The world has never been able to show me what to do. My quest ever leads me onward. My heart is open and my mind is relieved. The words of St. Paul echo through my thoughts:
"And be ye not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind..." (Romans 12:2)
I read the words of this blog once more before posting. I suddenly remember Narayan's final moment in his body and how his breathing slowed and then stopped. In that silence there was a leaping. In that Unknown was a liberation and victory. Every person around him could feel it. There was joy permeating every cell of our being. That is the Eternity that ever moves my life and where I place my utmost and complete trust. In That we are forever One.
PS I think its curious that the attendant travels with the Goddess. It is the first time that this element comes into an artpiece. I wonder if my mind is acknowledging that it is a servant of the heart?