"I stand on a mountain and see a higher one still
I must go through a valley to conquer that hill
You're the guide of my journey
I live in Your Name
You move me forward
'Til nothing's the same
You lift my eyes upward to that next highest peak
While the battle is raging in that valley so deep
Oh how You lift me every time I let go
I feel you inside me as I tremble so
The dark has subsided
The sun shines anew
That mountain is waiting
I know what I must do"
Ganga Fondan, 2004
(Song Lyrics - "Courage Creed")
Journal Entry: August 1, 2010
Something is stirring beneath my awareness. I feel it slithering back and forth like a snake underwater. I feel a shift coming and I'm not sure from which direction. There is a rising deep within which overshadows my fear of falling. There is an urge to let go to this feeling and trust that like a song or like a poem, it will make itself known. My reflexes tell me to recoil but there is an unknown assurance moving my heart to release each moment as it unfolds. Externally nothing has changed. A silent whisper urges me to remember this time. What phase is this? Uncertainty waits in every direction. My mom often told me that I clung to her body and resisted my biological birth as long as I could. I sometimes have trouble letting go. Let me now surrender to the power that cared for me in in my mother's womb.
Journal Entry: August 7, 2010
Tonight, a conversation with a man I know only a little, remains with me. He lost his father and brother in a shower of bullets in his own home. He was only 10 years old. Later he became a soldier for 8 years and killed other men. He watched many of his friends die. He left his country and started a new life. He has dreams like me. He wants to live a peaceful and creative life like me. Like most of us. As he walked away I felt a pain in my heart. I want to dig deeper to that place of peace within. The greatest Masters spoke of it. They never dreamed only for themselves.
Journal Entry: August 11, 2010
That Thou Art. I stare at the miracle of the Jade plant near my windowsill. Six months ago it came crashing down from my refrigerator smashing the clay pot to bits. It felt upsetting to pick up the plant and rescue it along with the dirt into a small plastic shopping bag which I then placed in a cookie tin. I felt so upset that I began to ignore the plant altogether and give it a chance to die. For no reason I could understand within myself, I wanted it to die quickly. I knew it could not survive the plastic bag. Over the months I barely watered it. A funny thing began to happen. The main stem, divided into two began to let half the tree die to sacrifice itself for the other half. The left side though barely hanging on began to arch towards the window, towards the sunlight and the songs of birds. The right side wilted and bent itself low and finally shriveled up. The left side began to grow two branches out of itself and on each was two leafy stems growing. The leaves grew thicker and slightly red underneath. They all stand upright and slightly ever so gracefully bend themselves toward the window as if they are bowing. Tonight I stare at this wonder. I run my right pointer finger along the thick stem. This Jade plant is an image of my heart. The life force of the heart continues no matter how many obstacles block its way. The energy sacrifices itself to return to its original state in order that it may continue threefold: creating, created, creator... when Narayan left this world, his side of my heart brought strength to allow me to reach towards the window of enlightenment. Thank-you for the insight. "That Thou Art."
Journal Entry: August 13, 2010
Deep deep within everything that exists is the essence of nonexistence which brought everything out of itself. There is no gap. I find that completely exhilarating.
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Journal Entry: for August 17, 2020 (entered September 14)
My dad unexpectedly leaves this world 4 days after my last entry. Today I read the journal observations on this page over and over and vow to myself to increasingly cherish the creative inner work because without it, we are deaf, dumb and blind racing through a life without meaning. This gift will be honored as will the teachings that continuously connect my heart and my head. My heart was preparing me for this time. A new chapter in my life begins.
