Can You Feel the Universe Love You Back?

Back in 1998, at Narayan's request, we went to a beautiful lake to spread his ashes. The boatman drove in spiral circles as we placed fresh roses and dried roses into the water which sparkled brilliantly in the sunlight. It was then I decided to sing "Amazing Grace" with his old guitar. The most beautiful feeling came over us in a soft breeze. The whole of nature seemed to be the embodiment of my lover. This song came out a few years later to commemorate what it felt like to want to hold the entire universe in my arms and love it back:

"Let me bloom in your garden of plenty
Let me soar, let me dance, let me sing
Spread my arms open wide to the laughing sun
As it shines on everything

Let me give when my heart is open
Let me brighten the world with a smile
Let me know there is always another way
Another view, another style

Everyone hears a different drummer
Sometimes it seems like we dance alone
But in this life's great symphony
Every note will lead us home

Let me ask for the things my heart yearns for
Reach out and touch them all in One name
Let me feel all of life in its ecstasy
Let no moment be the same

Let me stand by the words that I have spoken
Let me plant seeds of truth that they may grow
Let me shine when my heart feels its purpose
Let me live free wherever I go

Let me feel with compassion and mercy
Let me stay on this path rich and sweet
Let me close my eys and be still sometimes
to bask at the garden of your feet

Ganga Fondan, 2002

Singing is a way for me to hug the Universe back. This song in particular brings up the feelings of that day of spreading Narayan's ashes. Narayan's mom and sister and his step-father were there with me in that boat. The boatman was a friend of Narayan's. Narayan's mom brought 24 fresh roses and I brought all the dried roses from past celebrations. The boatman started at the center of the lake and began to make slow circles wider and wider. His mother opened the bag with the ashes and motioned for me to take some into my hand. The ashes felt silky and so fine and silvery gray. There were bits of bone and teeth and they felt smooth. I looked up at Narayan's mother She held that bag like it was her baby. Her courage to face this day kept me vigilant and in complete awe. Then we would slip some ashes into the water. Each of us would take turns. Then a fresh rose, then a dried one and on and on... letting go and letting go some more...

Then when everything was safely in the lake, the massive spiral circle held its shape before us. A million sun sparkles danced on the slight movement of the water. Everything was perfect. Narayan was completely present. I heard the leaves rustle in faraway trees. I saw the soft billowy clouds floating in rapture across the sky. The universe seemed to be watching. Reaching for Narayan's guitar, "Amazing Grace" came pouring out through my soul. After a few more songs, we headed back towards the shore. I remember when the boatman gave me a hug afterwards. He said that the lake would never be the same again. Beneath my smile, I believed that the whole world would never be the same again.

It's only in this last half year that I'm beginning to allow these memories to flood my mind. Keeping those days in silence was a way to nourish and nurture the heart which grew with the outpouring of songs. Now, lately, I feel Narayan's whisper. He reminds me that these memories are a great gift to pass on. Every moment is a letting go, even now. By recording the songs, remembering where they come from, honoring the moments that designed them and reveling in the power of love itself, we embody a deeper purpose for our love. Long ago, we had the words "you and me forever" engraved on our wedding rings. Suddenly I realize that forever is not linear time, but precious moments that dance eternally like stars that still shine long after their flames have been stilled. They find new ways to celebrate themselves and uplift lifetimes of humanity.

And so like this song today, my life reaches out to celebrate being alive. Celebrate the wonder of love and being loved. Celebrate the Universe personified in a noble and wise heart that shaped itself a beautiful body to love and be loved by me. Once broken free, this love exploded into infinite pieces which still float majestically around my life and intensify everything I touch and everything that touches me.

So many people come into my life and ache to experience love like this but they have built thick walls of cynicism and fear around themselves. These walls keep them from seeing the stars at night or gushing over the light of the moon. These walls keep them from tasting their food or making faces with babies. The magic and wonder of life eludes them. I admit there were many moments when loneliness and sadness crept into my thoughts to build a wall and always my Teacher would guide me with exercises and meditations to prevent this from happening. He would gently advise me to do them and say:

"Then you will be transported to a land of magic, color and vibrancy, and you will realize that the place that you lived all this time is not the same as you had perceived it to be." - "Ancient Secrets of Success for Today's World"

Every time my heart would blossom again, my love for Narayan would seem to open even more. How can we separate the Creator from nature, the lover from the beloved? Everything is One.

"Let me feel with compassion and mercy
Let me stay on this path rich and sweet
Let me close my eys and be still sometimes
to bask at the garden of your feet"

May you experience the rapturous love you desire whether it is the love of God, the love of a soulmate or the love of a friend. They are all the same gift in different forms.

May bliss find you over and over,

Ganga